Lost my belief in a God. This took the ground out from under me and I didn't know if I could continue to live. Slowly, over time, I learned to trust an inner voice that was leading me. Was it my voice? It does not really matter. I "found" that I needed to shift from the need for external motivations to internal motivations.
My gifts are finding ways to express what others cannot say but also know. I am challenged by depression, self doubt, and am easily distracted. I am afraid of my tasks.
Music comes from the land. It expresses itself through the different people who inhabit the land. I listen for where I can hear the true beat and song of the earth through those awakened enough to allow it through.
Mostly when I have been out of the way for something bigger to be happening through me. This has happened most often when I am playing guitar with other musicians. It has sometimes also happened when I am painting. Sometimes when I am speaking, and I don't know where the words are coming from. Once in India in Varanasi at about 5:00 in the morning as I was walking down to the Ganges and I looked up and all the planets were aligned with the crescent moon, straight up and down. And when the sun started rising, I could see a sun spot before it disappeared into the growing brightness.
Dreams and Aspirations
Being one with my creative process. No procrastination. No doubt. No blocked channels. Just open, flowing creative vision through whatever mechanics I have at my disposal.
Love. I am touched by the questions. I am enjoying being with myself. This is personal pampering.
Much like being lost in the wilderness. Out in the rocky mountains maybe. Sometimes I am in the thick of the forest and every step I take trips me up and I fall often getting heavily scratched. Sometimes I am out in the clearing with only boulders under my feet. I am alone or in quiet company. I have the strength to do this. I like the quiet. I am me in this place. Sometimes I am on the solid, winding path. I don't know where it is going, but there are many people around. Sometimes I have close company, and sometimes I am lost in the crowd.
Once while in India and specifically Shrinagar. I was quite sick. The people I was with were doing their best to take care of me, but I just couldn't keep down any food. Finally I asked if someone could go find bread, peanut butter and tomatoes. To everyone's surprise these items were found. I spread the peanut butter on the bread and sliced tomatoes on it. It reminded me of home. I started getting better. Everyday I need almond butter, bread, coffee, old cheddar, an apple and water.
Having connection with the land and nature is very important. When there is a yard, especially a back yard, a good kitchen where I can read a book at the table, a cat keeping me from becoming too self absorbed, and my guitar, then I am home.
Any time I visit the ocean, I feel a return to the primordial. The Canadian Maritimes from where I am partly from will always be a special place.
I still haven't found what I'm looking for..........
SENSE OF AGENCY.